idk any more

so i woke up this morning and my mom said yes lest chang ur cell phone and then we did not. then i still have so much on my plate that im cant take it much more and im falling apart. it fells like a dam is holding the water back and im the watter trying to get though and idk any more the one girl i like idk if i can date ever so idk about that and it just seem every time i try to move closeer to god the farther he get. its so hard to stop chewing and haveing sex and everything the devil is trying so hard not to losse me and i just fell like he is wining me now and idk what to do and the one person i love to talk to cant talk to me now and i am just losseing it and dont no what to do. i need a job and i need $ but i just dont no where to go and i want to help people out but i cant with no $. just call me or text me and i just need to be cared for now im just not haveing a good life now
pary for me

i hate my life

im fighting off the deveil and not i cant whin. if there was something to say abbout it i no that i can fight it for ever and now i have to losse cuz if i fight for ever then i losse everyhting i got.

im haveing problumbs with famliy and firands 6 of my old frainds are now die or in the hospital and i ikd if i could have done any thing to do. but i do no that god is sleeping though my fingers and i trying to hold on but life is to hard but i will hold on to what i have.

this week is one of the liveing hell cuz im wornding every minit of every day that if me and my gf are going to last and trying so hard to hold on to her. if i losse her it will be the end of me and what i have fought to fichgt for and her and all i got.
yes i do have not everything to no about me who dose but the harder i try the more i losse her. i cant fight anymore with her or i might losse her for the rest of my life i have giveing so much up to be with her and now it is going down the hole.
if ther was a buttin i would redo everthing and i wish i would not have seen anyouther girls out there. if jess said u r not alode to do something that might cosst me somthing then i wuold do it in the best way i could and if she did not like that and not have to do that way or something i would. but now she is saying she dose not no if she wants me and wants to be with me anymore. but i no she is the one and only for me and i will do almy poer to stay with her. but when she say no and i cant do that or i dont lisen i try so hard and everytime i get is that. its not good enuf i want u to do it beter.
im falling a part trying to mend us together but its going in a way that idk if i or she can stop it but god can and im praying and crying everday to him about her but it seem like he is not lisening to me and not careing what i have to say.
now i have all this going on and kelly is wanting me to memeriz all this lines idk if i can do that and im trying to make everyone happy. what i want is to save up $3000 to go to newzanland and go and right my book by my self with no internet or phonse or anything i just want me and god and my book to go i cant right in my book cuz i have so much going on and i am superised i got on here to say this to u all. i need prayer for and everthing i have on here so i no u will help me i love u all and thax for beeing there though the good times and the bad one

going to start wright and changing who i am and what i look like i cant want to see what the book is going to be like

my dog is in so much pain and we r thinking about putting him down and my sister Anna shade is leveing in 5 day and God is just testing me if i can hanld it all and im trying to put up a fight but it is so had im crying and i cant stop.
this is the verse that is my faverit when i am down and so sad.

as the deer pants for streams of water,
so i long for you, O God.
I thirst for God, the living god.
When can I come and stand before him?
Day and night, i have only tears for food,
while my enemies continually tanut me, saying
"where is this God of yours?"
My heart is breaking
as I remember how it used to be:
I walked among the crowds of worshipers,
leading a great prosession to the house of God,
singing for joyand giving thanks-
it was the sound of a Great celebration!
Why am I discouraged?
Why so sad?
i will put my hope in God!
i will praise him again
my savior and my God!
Now I am deeply Discouaged,
but I will remember your kindness-
from Mount Hermon, the source of the Jordan
from the land of Mount Mizar.
I hear the tumult of the raging seas
as your waves and surging tides sweep over me.
Through each day the Lord pours his unfailing love upon me,
and through each night I sing his songs,
praying to God who gives me life.
"O God my rock," I cry,
"Why have you forsaken me?
Why must I wander in darkness,
oppressed by my enemies?"
Their taunts pierce me like a fatal wound.
They scoff, "Where is this God of yours?"
Why am I discourage?
Why so sad?
I will put my hope in God!
I will praise him again--
my Savior and my God!

if life was so good y is there sin. Cuz of man, man had to do everything everything. when it is not or when it is they want to do it. there is not one thing that i would not do if someone told me not to. do u no why? Cuz God made us like that and he made the one thing to do is to go out there and do what ever we want if it costs usto brack a leg or arm we dont care we want to do it. but one thing that i think god did not want is that us to do that and go to far. when guys do some thing and we dont stop tell we get heart why is that i dont no why we want to do something that we. What i think it is that we want to show the all the guys we can do it beter and the longest. but why do u want to do that i wanted to jump in the pond with so much green poop lol but i said to my self what would that prove that would only show to kelly that i can and im not scard but she alreay new that.
i just want to go out there and not be in church and sit there ever sunday but i lever so much and i just want to go and spred the word and do the thing he wants me to not the crap that is in my life.

the felling

life is going so fast that it is so fun but music slows it down and u dont have to give a fuck about anyone else out there and if u have a problum with anyone u just play tell all the anger or what ever u r felling.

My past

When i was a child i was raped and was told that if i told anyone they would kill me. So i grew up fearing and not trusting anyone. Tell i told my dad what happened to me when we moved out. So then i was home schooled for 6 years and my mom taught my sister and I for those years and it was hard. I grew up having zero Friends and no one to talk to but my dad and mom but i need someone to talk to and hold as a friend. i cried ever night and hated my self for thinking that no one like my cuz i and a bad face or that i was to tall or stuff like that. At 7th grade i went to Grove academy and i went there for one day to see if i like it and if i wanted to go there. there i met Joe Koenig and he was my 1st frainds that i had and i wanted to go back the next day but i could not. but that next year i did that the year after that. i love everyone yes of course there is some kids that wornt my kind but i tried to be Friends even if their hit me in the balls ever time i did something she did not like or do something she ask and did not do cough cough Paige Napolitan. But i love her still but we all had a good time then after 9th grade my mom and dad said i could not go back that they did not have $ for it and were paying it off tell i turn 25 years old so i told everyone that i had to go and everyone was sad but i said that i still want to hang out with them. the next year i went to Orono high school and i stard with the bad guy and girls but after i found that out i hanged out with Garrett Pope and no he is not the pope lol. there i graduated there and still hang out with him sometime. in August of 2009 i thought my life was going down hill and then my friend showed me that God loves me and still loves me so i gave my life to him i am now in every mans battle for purity and that is a army tipe thing for man and teen guy and it has changed me for the good and now i love god even if i am going thought the hardest times and i still wont leave him. A few months ago i meat 2 girls that has changed my life for ever. Kelly and kierra Morrison i love them so much if i need anything or some one to talk to i go straight to them cuz i no that they wont judge me and help me. Kelly is the stoughtest prayer girl in the world i think and kierra is the nicest girl that you will meat now i talk to them and go to church with them. but in all this god love me and i love him and if he ever need someone to do anything i will be in the front lines